INSIDE OUT

Today I am in peaceful mourning. What seemed to be so easy for our family has connected us to an experience, which many women and families face every single day. We have lost our baby.

Strangely, I am not sure what my emotions are doing. Flip-flops? Most of the time, I feel a sense of moving on already. Am I really that cold? Some might call it, "strong". I do feel strong. The more people I tell, the better it feels. B put it this way, "it's not that I feel a loss for 'our' baby. But rather, I feel a loss that "a" baby has passed away." I couldn't have put it better myself. It's been hard to connect with this baby. I've had cramping for weeks. I've hoped that it was an infection. Three urine tests later with negative results put that thought out of my mind.

So where does that leave us? Well, it leaves us with three beautiful children. I've been more connected with my youngest the past day or two. My "baby" again. Will she be our last gift and blessing?

The night before the spotting began, I had this intense thought of wanting to move on. Did I really want to do the "baby-stage" again? I wanted to move on to more mature things with my children. They are all so curious with such strong desires to learn! Aren't all children? I want to start some sort of structure whereby leaving the house everyday is not a daunting task. It seems relatively easy now. Would it have been with four?

I do hear that once you have three, you could have ten! Being a mom seems so natural for me. It seems so easy. I'm not saying there aren't moments, but, I don't want to scare myself into ending the decision to have another beautiful baby into our home. I guess we'll see what happens in the future. For now, we are enjoying the ease of having only three children in our hearts and in our home.

Last night I went out and bought a bottle of my favorite wine, Australian's "Wolf Blass, Yellow Label"!! I also bought a cold cut sub!! HAHA!! I know, it's meat and the worst of its kind!! Funny though... once I know I can't have something I want it even more. I craved that cold cut sub the second I knew I was pregnant and the nitrates were not good for my baby. Why would I want nitrates regardless? Good question! I don't remember the last time I had one of those! Well, it was my way of looking forward to something in my now, non-pregnant body. It was fun! I recommend it to any mom who has had a miscarriage. Do all the things you took away from yourself when you were pregnant. It's one of the ways I chose to find distraction and closure.

Here comes another new chapter.