INSIDE OUT

I find that there is a lot of psycho-babble parenting out there. I might as well add my own to it. ;)

I don't believe that we should allow our kids the "freedom" to be ruled by their emotions. I hear, all too often, excerpts telling parents to allow their kids to engage in whatever behavior, which would allow them the freedom, to have their emotions find an outlet. What?!!??! I know people, who we in this culture would call, "emotional". So, really!?!? You want your children to embrace this jargon when they are older? Please... I beg you... don't do this to the rest of us who will have to deal with them when they become adults.

I find it very frustrating to be around people who, continually, cannot manage their emotions. But first, what does this word, "emotion" mean, exactly? I know that I've studied the physiology of emotion in University. But I really don't think that's what our culture means when we refer to this particular word. I think, more often than not, we refer to emotion as how we "feel" in any given moment in time. It is how our behavior is 'controlled' by these emotions that bothers me most.

I like to think that we should embrace our emotions, not be controlled by them. So, I hope that as a loving parent, I will guide my children to behave in such a way as NOT to be controlled by them. We see, in our culture and others, that some people do not have a behavioral grasp on the actions by which their emotions would have them respond. If you're angry, yell. If you're hurt, become angry.. and yell. If you're envious, use words that would hurt the object of your envy to make you feel better about yourself.

When it comes to children and some examples of behavior caused by emotion: when they're angry - fall to the floor, kicking and screaming, when someone takes their toy away - bite them, hit them, scratch them or do whatever it takes to get your own way. I do not think that these behaviors will go away on their own. I often hear two young children (by young, I mean 4 and under) fighting over a toy. Some response in parents is to say, "oh, let them figure it out".

What!?!?

Let a 2 year old figure out the best way to handle not having what they want/when they want in a way that is kind, respectful, and ends in a justifiable resolution?? Riiight.

This reminds me of the age old question to those who decide to homeschool: "How will your children be 'socialized'?" What? You think that the proper ability to be socialized as a 4 or 5 year old happens in a classroom of 30 kids with 1 teacher who couldn't POSSIBLY be there to guide EACH child to learn proper "socializing" in even HALF the situations that occur?? But, I suppose that's another topic.

So it is, that I will teach my child to stop fussing. Of course, they will cry for any kind of pain whatsoever. This is a rationale reason to cry, but, for how long? I have only one child who will cry for longer than one minute. Both of my other children stop in less than a minute. Does this mean that they are different than my middle child? Perhaps. But, I betcha most middle children are like this (another post yet again).

So, I decided to test the waters. I would do my best to distract my middle child, in an effort to stop him from crying before the minute was over. Now, the only time he will continue to cry for longer periods of time, is when someone in our extended family coddles him. You don't believe me? Try it at home. You will see. Those of you who have more than two children will also attest to this. The more you coddle your children the longer and harder they will cry.

Pain of the "heart" is another rationale reason to cry, within reason. Mourning, for instance, is a logical reason as to why one would cry for long periods of time. It is in our culture, however, that mourning should only occur within a given period of time. After this "culturally acceptable time period", the person is deemed in need of help. Emotions need to be managed. Will they forget the pain of losing someone? Of course not. But, they need to continue to live!

I have taught my children to find something to distract themselves with a good attitude. I do not believe that my 4 year old needs to cry over such things as not being able to watch Diego for the 100th time! I have taught my children not to whine for things. I will continue to teach my children to tell me about their emotions in a way that I can understand. I do not understand whin-ese. I want my children to talk about their emotions. I do not want them to hold it in. So, the tears may come but, the behavior must be appropriate in a way that does not harm themselves or others.

I start while they are young and I don't let a day go by without continuing to guide them. I feel I would be doing my children a disservice if I did not teach them to find pleasing alternatives when originally, things didn't go their way. I would hope that I help guide my children into adults, who don't think that others should cater to them, simply because they "feel" like it.