INSIDE OUT

I wish I had a more clever title for this topic. I often think about it and wonder why I'm so different. If you've read all of my other theories on gender issues, you will understand where this line of thinking comes from. I, as the trend would have it, believe that the stereotypical emotions of our female friends (sensitive, caring, nurturing, typically the "crier", etc, etc) is not much more than the end result of our culture's conditioning.

I have two boys and one girl. When I had my first son, there was never a moment my husband, B, didn't want to rough-house him a bit. Grandmothers and mothers alike nearly fell out of their chairs in utter fear as he would throw him up into the air, only to catch him at the last second. Admittedly, even my heart skipped a few beats at times. But this was how my husband bonded with his son. Far be it from me to take that age old tradition of playing rough with his boys away from him. Of course, giggles of delight from S would follow. Well, we got pregnant again soon after and comment after comment, we would hear how different our little girl would be. She, we were told, would be moodier and girly. Well, as you know we had a second boy and well you know the story. To this day, he is more "girly" than S. We didn't rough house him much. We didn't have the time or the energy! Once we became pregnant with N, our little girl, the comments flowed in as usual. Mostly, they included the topic of "moodiness" and pink frills.

I am not your stereotypical "girly" girl. I don't cry at the drop of a hat and never let my emotions control me. In my opinion, emotions should never be displayed unless they are rational. Before you jump on me, let me explain with a few examples. If someone does something to me or my family that causes physical pain, I would become angry. This is a rational anger and in my opinion, justified. Of course, how this anger becomes manifested is the important part. Another example is when someone dies. Sadness and mourning would be a rational emotion. Here's one of the twists on emotion that has so much to do with culture. Our particular culture, according to the DSM-IV, would tell us that mourning after two months requires a trip to the psychiatrist. Now, we can talk about the definition of mourning all we want. It is the outward expression that I am referring to in this blog. The outward expression of tearfulness, among others, is one symptom that marks a warning sign if continued on after two months following the death of a loved one. Other symptoms would have to be present. Yet, all of the symptoms are, to me, obvious signs that the death of this loved one has hurt to the core so much that it is taking longer for this person to heal. In another culture, on the other hand, outward expression of grief is considered not only appropriate, but puzzling and insulting if not continued after two months!

Sliding down another path regarding crying, I have not met many men (or teenage boy) who will cry in public. Will they cry in their rooms? Maybe. But they have learned that they need to hold back the tears and "suck it up"! Has this harmed them? Well, I suppose that's another blog. My suspicion is that a balance would be ideal. Women have been letting their emotions "go" since babies!! I know even now, that when my son cries, I think he's pissed off about something. Whereas, my tendency is to think that when my daughter cries, it is her feelings that are hurt. In response to the belief held so firmly from years past, I will respond to my children accordingly. My daughter will get her own way more often than both my boys combined!! I feel more sad for her and want to pick her up and coddle her. Why do I subconsciously maintain this belief and allow it to come out as a parent to my daughter? I literally have to stop myself from thinking it because I need to teach my children that they can't always have their own way. But, why is it so hard with her? And what is this now teaching her? Well, I will tell you... my little girl acted more moody and definitely cried more. Yup! But, I've been working on me. It's not her fault nor is it the fault of her gender. It's mine. I have created a human being to believe that when they cry, mommy will give her what she wants... no questions asked. This is not what I want for my children.

The main reason I decided to blog on this particular subject was for adult women in marriage. I guess I'm just frustrated with the "emotional" manipulation I keep seeing. Whether it be silence or tears, anger or fleeing, it's just not acceptable! I feel sorry for the men out there who have to tip-toe around their wives. Why would women want to allow emotions to ruin their relationships! Get to the bottom of what's bothering you and speak gently to your husband! If you ask a question, encourage your husband when he speaks! I hesitate to offer any books on this subject... especially the one I'm about to. It's as extreme as it gets. I don't believe everything in it and if there is any sense of feminism in you whatsoever you will cringe at the sound of the title. However, please have an open mind. With an open mind comes balance, in my opinion. Not being afraid to venture down open waters of submission towards our husbands will inevitably take you to a place of respect in equal partnership. I fought submission all my life. I now know that what I was fighting had nothing to do with submitting to a loving husband who really would love me to just respect him as I would have him respect me.

Ready for the title? Here it is: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands It's worth a look. Here's a thought from her book, which I will have to paraphrase due to lending the book out. One thought she discussed was how women love to hear their man tell them how beautiful they are. I've been married seven years and not a day goes by that I don't love to hear my husband tell me how good looking I am. Okay, so what if I'm a bit narcissistic! But, what if he says to you that he shouldn't have to tell you how beautiful you are at all!?! You should just know that he thinks it and that's that?! Well, that's fine and good. Yet, it's still nice to hear and I'd rather hear it from my husband so I don't feel too good about hearing it from somewhere else!

The counter thought to this is how men like to feel like they are "King"! They, stereotypically, like to feel appreciated and that they are "king of their domain!" They are out working and fighting the fight in order that his family can survive and do it well!!

Have you ever heard men in a group complain because they have to tell their wives how beautiful they are? Women expect it! But, if a man asked his wife to tell him how much of a King he is, women would get together with their friends and laugh hysterically!! "He wants me to tell him he's... KING!?!?! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!" I can hear it now! Why is it that we expect our husbands to be what we want them to be for us, but, if they asked us to spit, fart, holler and hoot over a football game we would roll our eyes. Over time, men are becoming more in touch with their "feminine" side. Our husbands deserve a lot more respect and dignity than the carried-away-with emotions we sometimes think are normal. Why can't we be more in touch with our "masculine" side and suck it up a bit more.

When my husband tells me I don't look good in a skirt, which I think I look great in, I will thank him for answering me honestly and not come back to him, crying an hour later, because what he said hurt my pride. I will not raise my voice because of poor, conditioned habits of yelling because "that's just the way I feel and he 'makes' me do this"!! I will think things through first and be quick to say sorry! Okay, so I'm working on this one. I will not become angry when my husband tells me he doesn't like my food. I will use his constructive criticism, which I asked for in the first place, and ask him what he did and did not like about the meal in order to take the opportunity to make it better next time! For us AND our guests! The point is not to "teach" our husbands to respond to us negatively, in fear, or just not at all! If we ask them a question and we don't like the answer, thank him for being honest! If he is afraid to tell us the truth, ask yourself, "why?"

Oh, don't worry. I'll get on guy's butts at a later time. This is about how us women can make our relationships better. We have a lot of power to change things, don't we!

I want my daughter to become an adult who is in touch with both stereotypical feminine AND masculine emotions. In the past little while, I have spent more time teaching N that she is not better-off whining whenever she wants this, that, or the other thing on HER timetable. Guess what?? It's been working. My daughter is less moody, less a "crier" and if you meet her or have met her, you would agree with me that she is more "boyish" than either of her boy-brother-counterparts? Coincidence that we didn't have as much time to guide her older brother, J's, emotions when he was younger? We didn't have time to "rough-house" him nor did we want to at the time (he was so small compared to his brother and at the time we felt he was much more "fragile" - a typical belief about females). He now would be considered more moody and emote more of your stereotypical "female emotions". The more I take the time to guide his emotions with him, however, the less manifestation I see of these emotions.

I do not believe emotions are "wrong". Please understand me. I think they need to be controlled. I believe they need to be treated with rational exhibition. I'm not just talking about "tears" or "yelling". I'm talking about the reason behind the tears; behind the yelling. Most "let it out" once in awhile. But, for the sake of yourself and your family, please treat your relationships with respect and dignity. Noone deserves to be the victim of your emotions.