INSIDE OUT

The most important guidance I can offer as a mother of three young children, is that positive parenting is the most powerful tool afforded to you as not only a parent to your child, but also as a friend to your child.

If you are struggling with a baby, toddler, preschooler (heck, even someone my age) who seems to do anything BUT pay attention to the words you are using, try positive reinforcement. Here's a situation, which happened between my four year old and myself yesterday:

S... oh, by the way. Thanks for the tip, Renee, on using initials for my kids, rather than my oldest, youngest, etc...

So, S was in the fridge taking a strawberry. My children are not allowed in the fridge unless they ask first. Without this enforcement, they will go into the fridge to drink my maple syrup (true story)! Now, you might think that what I should do is take the strawberry from him and not let him eat it, telling him to stay out of the fridge. Doing this, one might believe, will teach him that what he did was wrong and will prevent him from doing it again. Well, let me show you something, which I believe is far more effective.

Me - "S, come here please."

S - Comes to where I am and I take the strawberry back from him. I place it back in the fridge. Me - I bring him over calmly with me to the fridge and say something like, "S, what do you do when you want to go in the fridge?

S - Remembering what I've taught him previously says, "ask mommy".

Me - "Right". Mommy doesn't want you to go into the fridge because you may eat something that will hurt your tummy. Now, show mommy asking to go into the fridge.

S - "May I go in the fridge please?"

At this point, I will say, "yes". The reason is simple. If I do not allow S to have the strawberry now, he will not understand that asking me first will, more often than not, get him what he wants. You see, I want my children to have strawberries. I want my children to feel independent in being able to go into the fridge and picking out what they would like. I want them to also know that, being very young and needing supervision, they need to ask mommy or daddy first so that we can ensure they are safe while being in there. So saying, "yes" at this point, teaches him that he is not using his words in vain. On the other hand, if I say, "no, I'm sorry, but,

Me - Yes, you may go into the fridge, S. THANK you for asking, "may I go in the fridge" (enthusiasm here, is a must)!!

S - With a big smile, goes into the fridge (while I watch him) and grabs the strawberry I had previously taken away from him.

Only moments later I hear: S - "Mom, may I go into the fridge please."?

Yay! It worked! Me - Yes, you may go into the fridge. Thank you for asking so nicely! This is the last strawberry though."

Again, moments later I hear: S- "Mommy, may I go into the fridge please?"

*A little side note: Now, usually S does not ask again after I've said "last time" because I've taught him that I really mean it when I use those key words. But, because I realized that I did not use those exact words, "last TIME" he may not have understood me. I try to always give my kids the benefit of the doubt; my late-talker, even more so. So, I rephrase by saying, "sorry S, that was the 'last time'." S understood this happily and didn't ask again until much later when he wanted an apple. Of course I agreed.

This is an example of why we do not need to punish our children, not at this age. We need to be more clever than that. There are times where we need to prevent our children from harming themselves or others. But, to simply punish them is not going to be near as effective as using positive reinforcement will be. Of course, this is not new terminology. But, coupled with other techniques using child-guided parenting, I have seen amazing outcomes! As I've mentioned in previous posts, I want my children to have quick resolution. I believe the most powerful way to do this is to model it with them. So, rather than merely saying, "NO, don't do that", leaving it at this and walking away, a much more appropriate teaching method is to show them what "to" do instead.