INSIDE OUT

Most of what I've learned has come from many different books, articles, university courses, mentors, friends, things I've seen, showing me what NOT to do with my children, etc. I can't owe any one author or person the whole of my method. I have came up with this approach when torn between the extremes of too strict and too permissive. I am now very proud of the fact that I can do with my children in public, the exact same I do in my home. I have a few techniques I use from one particular author that I would like to pay tribute to. I was concerned about giving any reference to her and was thinking about not blogging about "those" particular techniques. However, they are such a big part of my day that I wanted to make reference to her and give to her what is due. The reason I do not want to reference her is due to the fact that the foundation of her approach is by spanking her children. Being a part of her message-board, I have come across the most abusive of situations. I do not want to believe that Elizabeth would condone some of the things spoken of in her message board. However, she makes it a very strong point to watch over her message board for comments, which she disagrees with and yet, she hasn't removed some of the advice I've read from some of these mothers. It is my hope that she has missed them. Either way, I am strongly opposed to some of the advice on her message board, as well some of the advice by her in her own book. She advocates spanking a one year old so lightly that it will not hurt. On the other hand, if these light "swats" to the behind do not work, she promotes a particular type of spanking she has termed, "IMB's" - I Mean Business. This, to me, is absolutely unacceptable and I will not source her website because of it. I have mentioned her name and book. Now, here are a few techniques I've learned from Elizabeth, author of "Raising Godly Tomatoes". 1. Happy Face - I have taught my children to show me a "happy face". This has stopped all whining in it's track for all three of my children without fail. All I need to do now is say, "stop whining" please. Show me a "happy face". For example, in situations whereby my children's tears are due to asking for an object that they simply cannot have, it helps me replace their whining with a grateful attitude for what they "do" have. Here's where I have adapted: I do not swat if they do not show me a happy face. I model it myself and hold them with me (even hugging them) until they do. The SECOND they show this to me, I show complete enthusiasm and clap and jump with them in my arms. This, of course, reinforces it for them as they're usually laughing by this point. While they are young, I play a game with them in order that they understand the terminology. 2. While correcting your young child not to touch, be there to catch them BEFORE they touch. Once they've touched the said object, they're reward is granted and any correcting you do after this is overshadowed by the reward of doing what it is you've said not to. 3. Say, "okay mommy". I have adapted this terminology. In the south (where I believe Elizabeth is from), they use the phrase, "yes ma'am". To us (in the North) it sounds quite archaic, so, I've changed it to "okay". I like this for a few reasons. It helps me know that they have, indeed, heard me. Also, it causes them to acknowledge me and helps them to change their position more quickly. 4. Teaching your child to come to you if you need them. Of course I've adapted this one. No swatting needed here. All I need to do is start out by making it into a game. I will have them stand on one side of the room and ask them to come to me. They will run with a big smile on their face, as I am waiting with my arms spread out on the other side, waiting to give them a big hug and great praises! They love it! I've also adapted this one to have them say, "I'm coming". The reason for this is because if they are further away from me and I can't hear them coming, I want to hear them so I don't have to worry that they are off somewhere and I have to go running to look for them. My children come to me when I ask them. An important thing when you have young children. Other things both Elizabeth and I share are logical and obvious. I was practicing them long before I saw her website. I spoke with Elizabeth on how it is not necessary to spank. That her method can be just as powerful with positive reinforcement and gentleness. She encouraged me to write my method down in her message board for those who are foster parents and could not spank the children who come into their home. It's unfortunate that she could not see past her own religion. She is quite convinced that spanking is mandated by God. Hopefully, one day, her children will teach her different.