INSIDE OUT

I haven't heard one parent without sleep issues. I've had them myself, although not with my firstborn. He was quite the angel in that regard. My middle child was one of "those" children who just did not like to sleep and would fight it for as long as his heavy eyes would let him. For those having trouble putting their toddlers to sleep every night, I think I might have a solution, if you are interested.

Here is what I do with my just-turned-three year old. As I've mentioned in previous blogs, he is my most difficult by far of my three children to enjoy going to sleep. I tried a different method on him when he was young that didn't work so well. I kind of got sucked into some other methods rather than my own and regret that decision ever since. There was a point I tried absolutely everything I could think of, before realizing that this really was a behavior that simply needed correcting.

What was happening, was that everytime it was time for him to go to sleep, he would begin to cry and get really upset. I tried rocking him, holding him, letting him cry it out until he fell asleep. I tried reading to him, routine, warning 1/2 before-hand, a combination of all of the above, and everything else I could muster up! Absolutely nothing worked with this little guy. Finally I realized that this was, indeed, a behavior that needed some resolve. So, I started from the beginning.

Here's how a typical night in my home might have looked like:

-It's time for night-night soon! (warning)
-Okay, let's go brush our teeth (this is where the crying starts).
-No whining, please (see another post on how to stop any child from whining). It's time for night-night with a good attitude please. At this point I would discipline him where he was at (even if the crying started in the kitchen), using my method, until he showed me a happy face and proceeded to go to bed this way.
-Once he's shown me a happy face (and I know it's extended into his heart), I put a great big smile on my own face and say thank you! This is the most important part. It's not enough to get upset with our children and walk away, hoping that our anger will help them decide to make the right decisions now and in the future. I want my children to do the right thing because it feels good to them. Because it feels good to others around them.

It is very important that in the first few nights, I lay down with him while he is going to sleep. I want him to know that I am not angry with him. But, that I merely want him to go to sleep with a good attitude when he needs his rest. It is not his fault he is hating bedtime. I need to FIND a way by which to help him enjoy going to sleep. This, for him, was the way he needed.

For some parents, I can see how it would be difficult to see the end result. They might see the cries and determination against their wishes as a way for their toddler to say, "I don't like this! Let me stay up!!". However, all toddlers need sleep! Without it, they have lost the ability to renew their minds, emotions, and physical demands of each tomorrow. It is our job, as parents, to ensure this happens in order that we set healthy sleep habits for them in the future.

Once the first few nights have proven themselves, I will walk out the door, around the corner and 'watch' (as secretly as I can). Once they fall asleep (or lay quietly) while you are there, leaving may strike up another scheme. I really only needed to do this one or two nights as I had already done the hard part while laying down with him. He knew what I requested and if he thought that rules changed once I had left, I quickly put that to rest when I came in there to correct him, with the first possible hint of change from any boundaries, always ending with a proud smile and happy tone from me.

My boundaries were very clear. Children need to have clear boundaries set out for them or guidance becomes confusing.. These were the rules:
1) His head had to be on his pillow (his pillow needed to remain on his bed)
2) He couldn't come off of his mattress
3) He could talk but he needed to whisper.
4) He could not cry or whine

If either of these things happened, I would correct and once again make the boundaries clear for him. My son is much happier about bed time. I am grateful for a gentle approach by which my children can live life to the fullest with grateful hearts. Not out of fear, but rather, out of a genuine respect.

ETA: Since writing this post a few years ago, I have also seen how intestinal health has also effected my son's ability to go to bed at night. For anyone reading this, ask yourself if there are any bowel issues. What about developmental issues. Diet, for us, more specifically the gluten free/casein free diet has changed many behaviors for my son. We are now on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet and sleep issues have all but disappeared. He is older now and I know the methods I've used in the past have dramatically helped him as well. Yet, more often than not, I'm hearing parents testimonials of their children not only falling asleep easier at night. But also, STAYING asleep. See my "Autism Journey" for more details on developmental issues and diet.