INSIDE OUT

So, we've all heard the phrase, "pick your battles". Well, I completely disagree with this concept. Here's why: Shoving things under the carpet is in no way, beneficial to your mental health.

I also use the word, "mental" to encompass emotion. However, there will be times I might separate the two terms. For now, we will just talk about the word, "mental" as all encompassing. So, why do people say, "pick your battles?" What do they mean by this? Does it mean something different with children than it does with say, your partner? If so, let's talk about each one differently for a moment. So, if it's with your children, why don't you pick every battle? Is it because you think there will be too many of them? Is it because you are too 'tired' to deal with them all? Do you think you might "break their spirit" if you deal with all of the battles there is to be had? But what about consistency? I've discussed this on other blogs. There would be a real problem if parents had to be "consistent", yet, only chose which battles to deal with on a daily basis. On the other hand, if you chose to watch out for issues every time they occur while they are young, you will have minimal battles TO choose later on. They will have been made quite clear to them. Now, let's move on to this same concept regarding your partner. Why would you not choose to discuss something that was hurting you? What benefit does that have to the human psyche? I've read many statistics, discussing the "major causes of divorce." Hogwash (betcha don't hear that word too often)! What is more likely, is that these couples don't know 'how' to discuss their feelings. Moreso, these couples have let things fester, so that, when big discussions are to be had, they bring up all sorts of past issues. It's usually not "what" the argument is about, it is "how" and "which" words within the argument are used (paraverbal communication, topics used within the discussion, and so forth). Here's an example: In our first year of marriage, my husband and I had a lot of "discussions". This is not a bad thing. I believe that this is a rougher year for any couple who begins living together for the first time. Haven't you heard the expression, "the best way to lose a friend is to move in with them?" I believe that this first year should have many discussions and "battles", in order that you find compromises for the future to work more smoothly. Every discussion should be ended with how best to prevent the same issues from reoccurring. Whereby, each person learns how to communicate in order that the partner truly absorbs what you are saying. "quote needed" Let me explain further. It is my responsibility to get to know my partner. It is my obligation to know how he needs me to speak with him. Before I met him, I was quite sarcastic. Painfully so at times. My husband did not appreciate my "humour". I can't really say I blame him, looking back. At first, I would say things like, "But, you should know me by now! You should know that I'm just kidding! Can't you see the smile on my face? It's your fault you're hurt!" Well, after a book study with a home church we attended, I realized how wrong and hurtful this line of thinking could be. You see, it was not "his" fault. It was mine. All mine. If my spouse was hurt by the way in which I spoke to him, I needed to change it. If my spouse needed me to be more gentle because he didn't understand the heart behind my "jokes", then how disrespectful to continue to choose to speak that way? What an injustice to the word, "respect", which I swore to him on that day we became married. So, I have changed. I am no longer my "sarcastic" self. Oh, some of you might take offense to this line of thinking, saying, "he knew who you were when he married you and you shouldn't change a thing!" But, we all know that line of thinking gets you nowhere with friends. This had been an issue before we were married and yes, he still chose to marry me. However, marriage should never prevent a person from the change and compromise we all need to continue afterwards. It is our job to do the best we can to minimize any hurt we cause in someone else's life. I can only hope I never stop wanting to change. But, I digress. One of the more trivial topics, which came up in the first year of our marriage was the cereal box. It was important to me to have cereal that was fresh. So, after I was finished with the cereal, I would close up the bag, fold shut the flaps on the box and return it to the shelf. My husband, on the other hand, thought nothing of this "proper etiquette". Frequently, I would find the cereal box on the counter, bag left open and left to become stale overnight. Now, at what point should this have made me angry? Just because I wanted something a certain way shouldn't mean that he would have to do things the exact way should he? But, why not? So, I politely discussed this with him one day. Finding out that he, too, didn't really like to eat stale cereal, I asked him if it would be alright if he remembered to close the cereal bag, followed by closing the flaps on the box and returning it to the shelf. He agreed. Conversation started peacefully, in respect and ended peacefully... until a few days later. Now, here's where the conversation might find a fork in the road. It's only cereal! If a friend came into my home for the weekend and did this, would I be upset with her? How would I treat her? Would I treat her more respectfully, with kind and gentle words more than my own husband? How do I "feel" like treating my husband when the "need" comes up to ask him why he did this again, after asking him to respect my wishes? Well, here's what I know to be true. If on that day, he had done something to hurt me or bother me and I hadn't got it off my chest... guess where it would come out?? In my frustration with the cereal box. However, if I have nothing harboring in my heart... the conversation would yet again, be respectful and peaceful. I would have no justification over being angry over cereal! What kind of person would I be if I had been "angry?" My point is this: if you have something in your heart that has not yet been resolved, I guarantee it will come out through an unrelated topic. Unresolved issues will eat away at you. It will eat away at any and every part of your relationship. Nothing gets swept under the rug in my home. My husband never has and never will have to guess at whether I'm upset with him. He is confident that if I am quiet or upset, he is not to blame. He will not be the subject of misguided anger. My children? They will have consistency surrounding their world. They will know their boundaries and enjoy life within it. They will never have to question if what they are doing is okay in this moment, yet, not okay in the next. They will enjoy peace in our home because mom has not waited to the point of exhaustion and snapped. Oh, and one more thing. Not every discussion need be an argument. In actuality, if it is, then something has not yet been dealt with from the past. Confrontation need NOT be synonymous with "conflict".