INSIDE OUT

Have you ever heard a mother or father say something like, "the more I say 'not' to do, the more they 'want' to do it"? For some reason, children want to do exactly the opposite of what you tell them. Call it, "negative attention" or call it whatever, children seem to feed on this type of "mis" behaviour. When a child is young, let's say under 1. I never use the word, "no". I don't feel the need to teach it to my child at this age. Instead, I will use more positive language. For example, if my daughter hits me I will say, "be gentle, please", modeling the behavior. I will not say, "no hitting!" To some, this may be more psycho babble. To me, in my experience and the experience of others who have tried other things that did not work, it means the difference between drawing attention to negative behavior and empowering your child to make positive choices. It encourages a child to gain the self respect of doing something that is enjoyed by those they love and care about around them. As a parent, it prevents the habit (which is so easy to fall into) of saying more negative things to our children than positive.

Saying all this, I do use the word, "stop" and "don't". We actually practice "stop" in games. This way, I know that my child will respond to this word if they are about to go out into the road, pull down an expensive item at a store, etc, etc. Somewhere between the age of 1 and 2, I start to discuss why what they just did was not acceptable. For example, if my son pushes his brother, I will say, "we don't push because that hurts." Show him 'gentle', please." Another example is yelling. If my son is yelling, I could say, "we don't yell. Use your gentle words, please". I could then model what I'm meaning and might ask him to mimic it. With both of these situations, I'm providing an atmosphere for learning. As well, this provides an opportunity for them to do something positive as an alternative to the negative behavior.

Once the child accomplishes the positive behavior, you need to give them a big smile and say, with much enthusiasm, "thank you for 'being gentle'!!" It is important to repeat the same phrasing as the original request. At this age, it helps them to understand why you are saying "thank you" or "good job being gentle". They may not know why you are so grateful to them otherwise.

Once the child is a little older, say 2 years of age (there is no age that is written in stone. You know your child best and know when they are best able to handle "explanation") it would be beneficial to discuss the "why's" of making positive choices. For example, "thank you for picking up your toys. Look! Now the floor is all clean!" Rather than making a choice because "you" said it was good, they do it because the floor looks clean and they can take pride in accomplishing this feat. This is important for any child. Yes, you want them to care about others around them, but also, you want them to continue the behavior later in life when you are not around.

Use words according to your child's own level. Assume that your child does not understand. It is not up to us adults to clearly know "everything" that is going on inside the mind of a child at any given moment whether age 1, 4, or 14! One child at 6 may need more explanation than his 4 year old sibling for various reasons with various events. Also, if just starting to use this positive parenting approach, you may need to use more explanation for your 10 year old than another parent's 6 year old. If you have only used, "because mommy said so" all this time, your 10 year old may need you to give a lot of explanations in order that they can move towards positive steps, rather than "not" doing this and "not" doing that because it makes mommy or daddy upset.

Another example of not understanding a child's mind is my middle child. Boy, do I have to get creative in my heart's attitude with him. Just the other day, my spouse went into the bathroom, only to hear my 2 year old son say, "I'm making a tower!" with a big smile on his face! Now, understand something. When my 2 year old makes towers with blocks, we are quite proud of him. In this little, 2 year old's mind, making a tower with his bowel movement should equally receive the same enthusiasm, shouldn't it?! He's my creative one. Needless to say, I will have a lot of explaining with him to do.