INSIDE OUT

...and then I get a headache.

My pastor at The Meeting House had a series about our "sense of entitlement". That used to be me. My mother never taught me that I wasn't always entitled to what I want and when I wanted it. Delayed gratification was only for the poor (which we were). Yet, she never knew how to truly embed the principle of our North American "way" and how spoiled I was compared to our global neighbours.

Yet, ironically enough, fast forward some twenty or some odd years later and here I am: feeling GUILTY for owning a house and a car I clearly don't "own". Feeling guilty for thinking about owning a new house and wanting an ideal neighbourhood/house/backyard. Feeling guilty for choosing to have my own children and not yet adopting the child who will, one day, become a part of our life.

This last thought might have some of you stumped. Some of you might even be gasping. "What? You feel guilty for having your CHILDREN!!??" Well, that's not quite it.

My purpose for living and being seems like it needs a change. Maybe it's the reminder of those in Haiti that got me thinking like this yet, once again. I can't seem to shake it.

How. can. I. enjoy. my. life. when. people. all. around. me... suffer?

Honestly. Can someone tell me how to do it?

What's this sense of "entitlement" that we have? To live "comfortably"? To make "more" money? To be more smart? Now, our teaching pastor didn't take the thought this far. I just did. I've mentioned this once before on my blog. I know that if one of these Haitians were living next door to me, the LAST thing I would be doing is thinking about gourmet meals, homeschooling, and socializing my kids in the community and taking them to do crafts at the library.

*Sigh*

Don't get me wrong. I'm doing all of these things I just mentioned. Every day. Well, minus the "gourmet" lately. But, what about the boy "next door" who can't hold his head up because he's starving to death? What about the mother "down the street" who is suffering with AIDS and can't feed her children? What about the little girl who sits, lonely, without a mother or father to care for her? What about....???

I want to stop thinking about it! I want to live MY life and take care of MY family! I have a "ministry" in MY own home! I have to feed MY own family! I have to educate MY children!

What's this sense of entitlement I have to MY. MY. MY??

I don't have any answers. But until an adopted child comes into my home, I've got to take some practical steps to do... something. But what? How far do I take these thoughts?

I think of friends who have been in Haiti for years now. They had a successful health centre in Oakville, Ontario, Canada. One of the richest cities in Canada. Long story short, they upped their three children and moved to Haiti. They are sponsered by their church and those who choose to support their mission each month. Since there, they've adopted twin girls from an orphanage and whose lives they've changed for the better, each and every day. They run an orphanage on top of this and now, since the earthquake, they have been running a health clinic taking cement out of skulls and pulling building-pieces out of various body-parts. This is going on and we can't see it. It is happening. It is real. We are the ones suffering. Suffering with selfishness. I feel I will be held accountable one day. My culture affords me my ignorance. My out of body experience I have when I close my eyes and realize that my society is closed in from much of this suffering, saddens me.

I was raised very poor. I know what it's like to be poor in this society. I know what it's like to live in condemned homes, heating my cold body with bricks, warmed over a wood stove. I know what it's like to only have potatoes fed to me over and over again. I know what it's like to have our well dry up in the summer and freeze in the winter. Would you consider that suffering? I didn't. Not back then. Not now. I lived in North America. I was lucky. We had a system called, "welfare". Many, many millions (dare I say billions) are not so lucky.

I write this blog from a comfy home after eating a nutritious meal. I am wearing comfortable clothes and hear laughter in the backroom. I know where my next meal will come from and where to go get it if I run out. I have a card that allows me to go to a building for free and receive top of the line health care at the sniff of a nose if I so chose. Turn my heat up when I am cold and the air conditioner on when I'm too hot.

Tell me I am not spoiled.

But what am I going to do about it? Write a blog to make myself feel better? Somehow tell myself that I have to "live my life" and focus on taking care of my kids? ...Yep. Someone will come along and share with me why this line of thinking is missing something. That it's okay for us all to live like this while people die next to us. We want to hear it. I want to hear it! I want some sort of justification so that I don't have to move my kids away to some "foreign" country to help those who can't help themselves.

Entitlement? I suspect this blog will anger those who don't like the thought of sacrifice and have entitlement issues. I suspect this blog will also upset those who have made sacrifices already... even just a little. If every single one of us, did something, anything... people wouldn't have to suffer so badly!! I wonder if everyone in North America gave ten dollars to Africa and/or Haiti, that they would be suffering of starvation like they do. My family gives money. It's something. I don't feel it enough sometimes. "Now" obviously being one of those times.

So I ask the guilted question: "what are you doing while others suffer with death and dying, just next door?"