INSIDE OUT

When I had my first baby, oh, did he have my attention... and rightfully so. I was a firsttime mother afterall. I needed to know what all this "mothering" thing was about. I watched him oh-so-closely. I learned his cry and his laughter. I learned how to feed him in order that his basic essential needs were well taken care of. I learned how to respond to his coos so that he could understand that he was loved every second of the day. I didn't want one coo of his to go unnoticed.

When he got older I ensured he was learning his abc's and 123's according to the standards around us. I worked hard at his social skills in order that he might not be considered a "misfit". I didn't want him to be teased, bullied, scared, overly timid, or any of the other common behaviors that go along with being a part of this society we live in.

But then...

Then I wondered if he wasn't too spoiled, too nurtured, too attached, too this, too that. I wondered how much "alone time" he got and felt guilty if he spent even one minute on his own. What kind of mother would I be, after all, if he looked up and felt deserted? I then wondered if I was spending TOO much time with him and didn't allow him to feel a sense of independence.

As a wife, I wondered how I might not be good enough if my husband came home and the meal wasn't hot and ready for his arrival. What if the house isn't as clean as he wants it to be? What if I got into an argument and it was the sole fault of my own emotions? What if we were in a slump for the last couple of days and felt disconnected from each other?

After having three children, I became socially responsible for the relationships between myself and three different individuals. I felt the responsibility to manage the relationship between S and J, between J and N, between N and S, and between all three of them together. I felt the responsibility to ensure their father was spending enough time with S, J, and N without the other feeling neglected.

Then I thought...

I thought about the kid down the street who doesn't even have a father and whose mother is working two jobs to try and make ends meet. I thought about the children across town who can't even have ONE conversation with his parent that isn't infused with negative reinforcement. I thought about the children in our country who can barely learn to speak their own language correctly, never mind how they fare in comparison to the Jones' academic abilities in three different languages. I thought about the children in our global community that die of starvation, never mind worrying about how healthy it is? And I thought about those children who are sold into sex slavery at alarming rates in Cambodia, never mind worrying about a story being read to them as they are warmly tucked in at night?

So what about it...

In this society, we are spoiled. I am not saying that spending time nurturing, teaching, ensuring the health of our children, etc. are bad endeavors. Please, don't miss my point here. I am not trying to make anyone feel guilty about how free and privileged we are. We need to take care of our children well, in order that they can be productive members of society and teach them how to have content and compassionate hearts as they become adults.

But, does it really have to be an either/or?

All this time I'm investing into this one family while kids out there are craving for just one person to show them a smile. All this time I'm trying to figure out whether or not I'm providing enough craft opportunities while a child out there is beaten for not doing his craft "well enough". All this time ensuring there is a healthy meal that doesn't cause cancer in their eighties twenty-one times each week, while children out there don't even see one meal this week. What am I doing?!?

Please help me find the balance between ensuring my kids get the *best*, while helping even just ONE child be saved from the worst.