INSIDE OUT

And I feel great! I love the Christmas season! I love the first snowfalls.... just the first ones, to be made very clear. I have done no shopping this year (sorry to those of you hoping to collect on some great Christmas madness). We aren't lazy. Okay, maybe a bit lazy. But, this year, I wanted to know what it felt like to not go Christmas shopping. Well, the guilt filled my heart.

Why is it that I feel guilty for not getting gifts for everyone I know!!! Is it because I don't want to open a gift from someone and feel awful that I had not returned the thought? Is it because my culture has taught me that I NEED to give at Christmas or else I am a bad person? Or might it be that this is just an opportunity to give when you haven't all year round? We ended up getting some things I won't mention, as the gift-ees are watching. I will say that it felt like a better season not to think so much about it. I don't know the answer.

Christmas day has never been an easy one for me. Again, I've always loved the season: getting together with family, laughter, games, food... Yet, the day has always been filled with expectation and disappointment. One year I remember was the year I was in grade 5. We were all told that we were "not able to afford Christmas this year". What a sad thought... that "Christmas" needs to be "afforded". Well, waking up the next day, we saw a surprise of gifts that filled underneath our Christmas tree. This fun and excitement didn't last too long, however.

I often wondered if not giving our children gifts would have them teased by their friends. Well, this particular year of grade 5, I was teased. I was teased because the small organ I received from my parents was the kind that sat on my lap and not, as it seemed to be necessary, the organ that stood on four legs. I didn't care though. I seemed to have a pretty good attitude about it all. It must have effected me, though, as I do remember it. A part of me might have rathered my parents explain to me that Christmas is so much more than the gifts found on Christmas morning. To create something ELSE to look forward to on Christmas morning other than, "what did I get, what ELSE did I get, and why isn't there the gift that I REALLY wanted"?

These days, I struggle with balance. Balance is a word I love more than anything, yet, is the hardest word to define in my lifetime. As my children become older, I will need to tweak and mold according to our family's desires within a community that is so needy. Until then, my children will not receive gifts in the form of wrapped-under-a-tree in our home this year. Their godparents have filled the void, which those of you who feel sorry for my kids will feel better for. I would hate that people "feel" the need to make up for what we haven't done for our kids. I like to see it more as a "service" to our children's heart. I don't think that Christmas creates greedy little monsters when they grow up. We "may" have gifts within its season for our family. Who doesn't want to get gifts!?! I just don't want my children to open each gift with the ungrateful, eager anticipation of... NEXT!!!!